Men Are Victims Too
Abuse Hurts. It hurts whatever your age, gender, colour or creed. It hurts more if someone who is supposed to love you abuses you. It hurts more if no one believes you. Yet when men are abused who listens? Who cares? Well, though I'm a nobody, of no importance in this world, I will listen and I care deeply. I know what it felt like when I wasn't believed, though I can only imagine how it must feel to be ridiculed and fear being jailed for the abuse one suffers.
There is no excuse for abuse. And while broken bones and bruises may heal, the memories and hurtful, hateful things said and done can bruise and scar one's heart forever. It's immoral to say that because a man is (often) bigger and stronger a woman can not hurt him. The sense of betrayal, the feelings of shame, and the powerlessness that accompanies abuse, are often more painful, in the long term, than any beating, kick or thump.
When a man is abused, he suffers the same sense of worthlessness and low self-esteem as a woman. He often cannot leave the relationship because there are children to protect from the abusive female. If you look at any Domestic Violence advice you will see these are the same reasons women stay in abusive relationships. Then how can it be unimportant or even funny if a man cares more for his children than for his own personal safety, happiness or sanity?
Like children and women, men have a right to have their pain and hurt validated. They have the same right to be believed, helped and treated with respect. Men should be able to phone the police, or contact a divorce lawyer, without fear of arrest or ridicule, or the fear that if they go for help their children will be left with the abuser.
But in the political climate today, created by self-serving feminists, who can a man turn to? Where can he go? Who will believe him? Who will take him seriously and get him and his children away from the one who abuses them? Who will assure him that he is safe to go to the police and not be arrested? Who will assure him custody of the children will not be given to the abusive woman who happens to bear the title 'mother'?
WOMEN ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN MEN!!
Both men and women can be kind, caring, loving and gentle and all manner of good and wonderful things. But they can also be cruel, vindictive, abusive and controlling.
We must stop blinding ourselves to women's capacity for violence and the inequality with which we treat victims of abuse. We must of course continue the fight for the rights of battered women. We must of course build more shelters for them to flee to if and when they are in need BUT we must recognise that men are in need too. Men also need our support!
We must demand there be places for the abused men in our communities as well as the women. We must demand the court system upholds their rights. We must demand that custody of the children is given to the non-abusive spouse whether that be the father or the mother. We must save men, women and children from abusive women, as rigorously as we save women and children from abusive men.
When will society stop assuming that because men are mostly bigger and stronger they must always be the aggressor. Remember the nursery rhyme "What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and all things nice." While the question, "What are little boys made of?" states "Rats and snails and puppy dogs tails".. The truth is that both little girls and little boys are a mixture of all these things.
Do we tell a 5 year old girl it doesn't matter if she is abused? Do we tell a 10 year old or even a 15 year old girl that her abuse isn't important? Of course we don't! Why then would we tell a 5 year old, or 10 year old boy, or a 20, 30, 40, or 50 year old man that his abuse isn't important? Why do we laugh at men being hit by women? Why do we teach little boys not to hit girls and yet not tell little girls the same? And why do we support anyone abused by a man, but not care about those abused by women?
I take no sides. Abuse is abuse. A black eye hurts the same whoever delivers it. Anyone being abused needs our support. The difference is, men aren't believed, they don't get heard, and they don't get the help they need and deserve.
I remember how it felt not to be believed. I know all the things said about abusive men is also true about abusive women. I read the things they say that indicate an abuser and I know every one of those indicators is true of abusive women too. I know. I lived with it.
I've had to take many break while putting these Pages together, so may I remind anyone who may be overwhelmed by this painful subject, it's a good idea not to read too much at a time. Maybe you could bookmark these Pages then take a little break, perhaps listen to some music, go for a walk or phone a friend.
For anyone who feels that there is no one to turn to, I'd like to say keep trying. Keep reminding yourself you're a good person, you have rights and you deserve to be free from pain and violence. You truly are not alone. There are good folk in the world who will believe you and who care deeply that you are suffering.
You can read some tragic and terrifying experiences of abuse here
Share Your Experiences
I hope you will find something here to will help you find the information and or support you need
National Coalition of Free Men
ManWeb - Men's Issues - Men's Voices
Men's Media Network
Advocates for men and fathers
The Men's Defence Asssociation: Useful Links
The United Kingdom Men's Movement
F.A.C.T. (Fathers Are Capable Too)
The Men's Center.com
N.Z.M.E.R.A. (New Zealand Men for Equal Rights Association)
Victoria (Canada) Men's Centre
A Man's Life: Contents
In The News: Health-Fitness-Wellness
Men's Rights: News & Views
Some Interesting Links From Men's Rights Agency
Manorama: Men's Issues Around The World
Domestic Violence & Battery Of Men
ABCNews: Men Also Victims Of Domestic Violence
Shelters, support groups rare for men. By Becky Beaupre / The Detroit News
No Place To Run For Male Victims Of Domestic Abuse
Battered Men Take Problems To Internet
Male Abuse By Girlfriend Or Spouse
The Easton Alliance For The Prevention of Family Violence
Dave Gross' Class Notes on Husband Battering
Men: The Secret Victims Of Domestic Violence
Too Proud To Ask For Help
A Man's Life: Domestic Violence
ManWeb-Men's Issures: Abused Men
Battered Men: An Insider's View
An Overview Of Male Abuse
by Karen Woodstra, Published in The Toronto Sun, Father's Day, 1994
Under Attack: The lonely cry of battered husbands
Men and Domestic Violence Index
Discussion and Support for Men with Domestic Problems
Resources On Domestic Violence Against Men
New Zealand Men for Equal Rights Association
Rape & Sexual Assaults Of Males
Rape Of Males
Male Sexual Abuse Therapy
The National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization
Sexually Abused Males - Giving & Receiving Guidence & Hope
Warriors Of The Heart: Male Survivors of Incest and Sexual Abuse
Sexual Abuse of Males: Prevalence, Lasting Effects, and Resources
By Jim Hopper, Ph.D.
Quote: "Scott Abraham is a survivor of both male and female perpetrated abuse, an author of several articles on recovery from sexual abuse, and is a graduate student in clinical psychology. His writing was included in the anthology SPEAKING OUR TRUTH.
Biblography For Male Sexual Abuse Survivors
S.A.M.S. Sexually Abused Males Surviving
Herbert D. Friedman, Esquire
Circumcism Resource Centre
This Page was created On 7th November 1998
Last updated on 17th June, 2000